101TheOneWhereMonicaGetsaNewRoommate(ThePilot-TheUncutVersion)

　　[Scene:CentralPerk,Chandler,Joey,Phoebe,andMonicaarethere.]

　　Monica:There'snothingtotell!He'sjustsomeguyIworkwith!

　　Joey:C'mon,you'regoingoutwiththeguy!There'sgottabesomethingwrongwithhim!

　　Chandler:AllrightJoey,benice.Sodoeshehaveahump?Ahumpandahairpiece?

　　Phoebe:Wait,doesheeatchalk?

　　(Theyallstare,bemused.)

　　Phoebe:Just,'cause,Idon'twanthertogothroughwhatIwentthroughwithCarl-oh!

　　Monica:Okay,everybodyrelax.Thisisnotevenadate.It'sjusttwopeoplegoingouttodinnerand-nothavingsex.

　　Chandler:Soundslikeadatetome.

　　[TimeLapse]

　　Chandler:Alright,soI'mbackinhighschool,I'mstandinginthemiddleofthecafeteria,andIrealizeIamtotallynaked.

　　All:Oh,yeah.Hadthatdream.

　　Chandler:ThenIlookdown,andIrealizethere'saphone...there.

　　Joey:Insteadof...

　　Chandler:That'sright.

　　Joey:Neverhadthatdream.

　　Phoebe:No.

　　Chandler:Allofasudden,thephonestartstoring.NowIdon'tknowwhattodo,everybodystartslookingatme.

　　Monica:Andtheyweren'tlookingatyoubefore?!

　　Chandler:Finally,IfigureI'dbetteranswerit,anditturnsoutit'smymother,whichisvery-veryweird,because-shenevercallsme!

　　[TimeLapse,Rosshasentered.]

　　Ross:(mortified)Hi.

　　Joey:Thisguysayshello,Iwannakillmyself.

　　Monica:Areyouokay,sweetie?

　　Ross:Ijustfeellikesomeonereacheddownmythroat,grabbedmysmallintestine,pulleditoutofmymouthandtieditaroundmyneck...

　　Chandler:Cookie?

　　Monica:(explainingtotheothers)Carolmovedherstuffouttoday.

　　Joey:Ohh.

　　Monica:(toRoss)Letmegetyousomecoffee.

　　Ross:Thanks.

　　Phoebe:Ooh!Oh!(ShestartstopluckattheairjustinfrontofRoss.)

　　Ross:No,nodon't!Stopcleansingmyaura!No,justleavemyauraalone,okay?

　　Phoebe:Fine!Bemurky!

　　Ross:I'llbefine,alright?Really,everyone.Ihopeshe'llbeveryhappy.

　　Monica:Noyoudon't.

　　Ross:NoIdon't,tohellwithher,sheleftme!

　　Joey:Andyouneverknewshewasalesbian...

　　Ross:No!Okay?!Whydoeseveryonekeepfixatingonthat?Shedidn'tknow,howshouldIknow?

　　Chandler:SometimesIwishIwasalesbian...(Theyallstareathim.)DidIsaythatoutloud?

　　Ross:Itoldmomanddadlastnight,theyseemedtotakeitprettywell.

　　Monica:Ohreally,sothathystericalphonecallIgotfromawomanatsobbing3:00A.M.,"I'llneverhavegrandchildren,I'llneverhavegrandchildren."waswhat?Awrongnumber?

　　Ross:Sorry.

　　Joey:AlrightRoss,look.You'refeelingalotofpainrightnow.You'reangry.You'rehurting.CanItellyouwhattheansweris?

　　(Rossgestureshisconsent.)

　　Joey:Stripjoint!C'mon,you'resingle!Havesomehormones!

　　Ross:Idon'twanttobesingle,okay?Ijust...Ijust-Ijustwannabemarriedagain!

　　(Rachelentersinawetweddingdressandstartstosearchtheroom.)

　　Chandler:AndIjustwantamilliondollars!(Heextendshishandhopefully.)

　　Monica:Rachel?!

　　Rachel